Old Friends, Best Friends

Spent the evening after work, swimming all by my lonesome at Martin Pool, w/ three young lifeguards on duty. Asked one of them to take a picture of the sky for me, as I was floating on my back, staring at the sky. One of them did; I received it in a text. Then, met up with one of my very oldest of Best Friends (counted on my hand). I'm 38, she's  39, her husband 44. Children: 5 daughters, 1 son; range in age from 22-4. Her second oldest will be giving birth to her first grandchild sometime this morning.
I asked her what she wanted to be called as a Grandma. I wasn't too happy with her answers. If I'm ever a Grandmother, I want to be known to my children's children as Grandma or Grandmother.
She and her husband have been married a little over 25yrs. I've known them this whole time.
This is one of those friendships where we pick up as if we've talked every day for the past 25yrs.
I believe women are the backbone of a strong family. Bearing children to bring forth life affords us such strong backbones; that's a fact.
I can't get over just how amazing life truly is. Old friends make the best of friends.

Live

No more wallowing in self-pity, you kind and brave soul.
Have you no idea of your self-worth?
Look deep within to gain self control.
You must've known that at your birth you were meant to live;
to move forward in this life, with so much to give.
Don't recoil with fear, lest your heart be spoiled my dear.

Dearest Lord, my love for you shall not go away. I will
love you until my dying day.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."-Psalm 37-4

Turn to Me

He reminded me of the "sin". A testament of the acts committed just hours before. A thought occurred to me."As in a sin to you, but not to me. Because I felt that I loved you in that moment."
I open up and share, and in those moments,  I am more aware of my being. I hear my voice as it speaks out the words, that formulate the stories of my life's memories and emotionally express them. I feel the sensuality that travels straight to my core from a single touch received or given. I feel my smile as it forms on my tired face. I feel the tears, roll out of my eyes and onto my cheeks.
I am completely aware that I am alive. I just don't have the energy to participate. I can feel the will to survive dissipate within me. Life, death and the in between.  It's overwhelming for me.
God asks me to seek him with all of my heart.  As much as it aches and hurts and cries out in agony, I aim to please HIM.
Take me,Lord. I am yours.
I am your creation, your beautiful little sinner. I ask for your forgiveness daily. I ask for your guidance. I am learning to turn to you.
Please turn to me.

For the Memory of Alex Mosqueda

In my 37 years, I have never met a man who embodied the definition of love. It was so profound in him. He shared his love, his wisdom, his smile, and his hugs.  I had opened up with him once about my poetry and how hard it was to communicate with my earthly Father. The advice he gave me, allowed me to open my eyes to see the man who God gave me as a Father, to accept him and love him regardless of his flaws. I can’t seem to get over how big his heart was. After every conversation with him, I would leave, not feeling alone, but feeling optimistic about sharing that same kind of love and compassion with others.

Alex was patient. Alex was kind. Alex did not envy, nor did he boast, and was not a prideful man. Alex did not dishonor others and was not self-seeking. Alex was not easily angered, and he kept no record of wrongs. Alex did not delight himself in evil, but he DID rejoice in the truth. Alex always protected, always trusted, always hoped and always persevered.

 1 Corinthians 13: 10-13

“10 when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.  11 When I was a child, I talked like a child; I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Alex exemplified the definition of love during his journey with us. His legacy is that of a beautiful love; a love to share with others throughout our lifetime. What remains with us after completeness comes, is faith, hope and love…but the GREATEST is LOVE.


Don’t stop loving one another and strangers alike. I feel compelled to say that this is what he would want.

The Choice

Stressful days/nights; no reprieve in sight.
Heartaches induce stomach pains/headaches.

Eyes are blind and cannot see; faith at times is far from me.
I hold on to what I feel; touching makes it real.

Close my eyes to listen for that still, small voice; HE is my first choice.
Speak to me. Guide me. Comfort me. Trust me.

I am struggling. Please, God, Hear my call. I fear the fall.
Take from me this pain; I want to live for you again.

I believe in you. Can you believe in me?
I belong to you. Only You can make my life complete. 

I long for a peace of mind. Gift it to me one more time?
I will continue to seek you, first. For Only you can quench my thirst.

I want to let go of all the pain, Lord! Open my eyes, and set them on you.

Big Hearts

The teacher confronts me and says she needs to talk about his behavior.

My internal reaction is that he’s an angel.

My immediate thought is, “God, please let her see into my soul.”

While she begins to tell me what he’s done, all I can think is:

I’m trying my best.

Give him a break.

He is trying his best, too.

He’s super smart.

He’s got a beautiful heart.

When she’s done, I respond with:

“Thank you for informing me of his behavior today. He’s got a wild imagination. Please excuse me. As a single-parent, whenever a teacher begins her sentence with, “I need to talk to you”, my blood pressure rises and I become anxious. “

I feel the tears burn my eyes, as I try to hold them in.

Survival mode begins.

I call him to where we stand. He comes over and I ask him to apologize to for his behavior.

I watch him as tears fill his eyes and he says with his angelic voice, “I am sorry for the way I acted.”

He opens his arms and offers an embrace.

I feel his pain, his remorse, his regret.

As we walk to our car, I hug him close to me, and remind him that no one is perfect.

We can only try, every waking day, to give that day our best.

Sometimes we need a break, even when we are smart, and we have big hearts. 

No. I'm not going to stop doing what I love to do. Like picking up a book...or two. I still love the way the water feels over my skin when I jump in...and I love to jump in .
No. These dancing feet...they'll never stop moving to the beat...that takes me to a place...I love to go. Haha

2013

This year is new.
That is true.
But why?
Who the hell made up that fricken lie?!?!
Every future second, minute, hour, day, night, etc., is new.
 In the words of Yoda, "Try? There is no try, there is only do or not do."

True Love

Ah, to be loved, truly!
I am a seed in this garden of life, planted 36 years ago.
A recent downpour of rain provided long awaited nourishment to my soul.

My heart has opened up to receive true, pure, innocent and unconditional love.
I was holding on to so much anger and hatred, I decided to let it all go.

Charity is a beautiful act when it's straight from the heart.
It feels so amazing to be a recipient of this act of pure love and to be able to receive it in this lifetime.
I never imagined I would feel this way, EVER.

It makes me feel so strong. I truly belong. I have a new song.
True Love. 

Out of the blue clear sky

can't get the line to that one song out of my mind.
"then out of the blue clear sky"...
I say, "Hello, Moon.", whenever I see it for the first time, each night. I've been doing this for what seems like forever. This type of greeting is similar to bumping into an old friend, foe, acquaintance, etc... "Hello, Moon." I actually say it out loud, every single time. I've never experienced what I did tonight. I stepped outside, walking towards my car with my eyes towards the sky, I greeted the moon, again. At that very moment, two things happened. I witnessed the ISS shooting across the night sky and a masculine voice responded, "Hello"........ a familiar tune came to mind "out of the blue clear sky"

Busy Days

Routine days and solemn ways:
"Leave no room for fear."
Wake up late and kids look great.
"Leave your kiki here."
Kisses with hugs and shoulder shrugs,
"Mom, what time will you be here?"
Rush to work and overwork.
"It's lunchtime, dear."
Tummy aches and bathroom breaks.
"Now's the time to disappear."
Traffic congestion and absent direction.
"I wish I was an engineer."

Lovely

Breathe a breath of life. Oxygen is free here. It is mine for the taking. This life is only the beginning; a piece of history in the making.
She sat down in a nice, cozy chair. She reclined to sit back and let loose her hair.
Her mind was full of thoughts of the day's activities.
She closed her eyes, in search of her spirituality.
Questions quickly arose and she quickly shut them out.
This was her time to rest; no time for doubt.
Silently and subtly, peace found her lying there; so calm and serene.
Peace was now her reality which was now far from any dream.
"Peace is rare and hard to find"
She acknowledged this and appreciated her time.
Slowly, beat by beat, she felt it stop abruptly. She smiled and in death,
she remained lovely.
Nothing left of the heart that once beat so strong...of the spirit that lived so freely...of the soul who had a song...
Gone; completely.

Nature

sunrise brings forth the light
illuminating all that was in the dark
sleepy eyes awaken; welcoming the golden rays
body aches; tired and drained
preparations in place to bring forth life
through the cries of pain induced by unconditional love
breathe.. breathe.. in and out of pain
a woman becomes a mother
a baby is born; one of nature's marvelous wonders
a small fragment of what nature is made of

Rain on a Funeral

My mind is drawn into a state of wonderment at the sight of a rainy sky on days of interment.
I have observed this phenomenon on more than one occasion.
I questioned the fall of rain when I was 11yrs old at the funeral of an infant cousin.
I was told it was because of a sensitive God; a response to our cries and prayers at the loss of a loved one.
A break in the rain produces a glimpse of daylight and at times a bright, warm sun.
I’ve imagined this to be a hug of hope from the spirit of God; using the moment to remind me that there is a higher power and a conclusion of life here on earth.

Retreat

I loved you, without saying a word.

I let my lips speak with adoration through each kiss I planted on yours.

Give ground. Move around

I loved you, without saying a word.

I let my hands express amity each time I touched your skin.

Move away. Move back. 

I loved you, without saying a word.

I let my eyes fall upon you with devotion each time you came into view.

Recoil. Withdraw.

I loved you, without saying a word. 

I let myself care passionately each time I sensed your desire.

Leave. Flee.

Leaf 'Em Be

The leaves have fallen
                                 d
                                   o
                                     w
                                        n
                                             ..to the cold and stiff ground.
I say, leave them be. They won't stay too long.
Oh, but what a sight they did bring, along with their rustling in the wind.
They were meant to grow, flourish, fall and perish. They did nothing wrong.
They let their presence be known. Some subtly, others loud with color.

Focus

My ability to focus is somewhat displaced.
Earlier, the clouds up above had my attention; different colors of gray.
"Great." I thought. "Just the way I feel."
I opened my eyes; back to what was real.
Oh, the frustration! Please, please pass me by.
Go away, along with the rain drops outside.
To retreat back to my hot tub of water; next to the glowing flame.
Paradise awaits me there; time to let go of the blame.

Sore Heart

The start of a new day;sets me apart from the loneliness of any other...
My mind drifts on to places...on to the face..of my lover
So tender and sweet the touch I feel when his hands caress my skin
I'm tired of dying..so, today...I'm gonna start living.

My heart beats slow and takes up speed..
I've not too many breaths left; need to save the rest.
I choose to live...giving in to my sexual needs..

Desires of the heart are hard to ignore.
Blood rushing through my veins,
my heart is sore.

My ing's.

Wanting. Longing. Waiting.
Friendship. Important.
Intellectual. Stimulating. Void.
Hoping. Praying. Staying. Wondering.
Reading. Writing. Singing. Loving. Helping.
Searching. Smiling. 

More of You

Time moves so slowly,
there is more I want to do.
 Who am I really,
if I do not serve you?


My soul is stirred by the sound of the wind;
a chill runs through my spine.
I  wait for your voice to fill my mind.
I long to feel your spirit once again.